What hurts? (Emotionally)

[Eleanor]

I've been feeling vulnerable lately. Feels like living a life in safety is in direct opposition with enjoying said life.

 

[RadEmpoleon]

I know I should be doing something productive, but I can't bring myself to do anything. These past few days there were no classes and I've just been a lazy bum wasting my time with games and Youtube. I should be studying for finals, but I literally don't know how to study...

 

[Retek]

I know I should be doing something productive, but I can't bring myself to do anything. These past few days there were no classes and I've just been a lazy bum wasting my time with games and Youtube. I should be studying for finals, but I literally don't know how to study...

Been there, though I managed to do it by staying off PC. Not saying you should do it too, just do whatever suits you. Good luck.

Right now: Feeling empty, yet troubled. I really just wanna cry and scream, but I don't even have the energy nor the willpower to do that too.

 

[moon]

crippling depression that's leaving me too high functional to do anything about but too low functional for me to actually function

 

[Hyzenthlay]

^ Feeling exactly the same as Riki above (sending hugs to everyone in this thread 🤗)

 

[Megan]

You know how in modern times people are always telling others that "they need to get their life in order by themselves"? Seems like it never occurs to them that there are people out there who have been waking up in the morning and for over ten years have been frustrated that they're still alive every time. <_<

 

[Corrin]

We shouldn't have to, though. Western society is too focused on the individual, leaving people with little support and a tendency of others to exploit people to get ahead.
We need to focus on community and family. Working together for a better society. Without all this pressure to do things on your own, we'd be much healthier.

That's my perception on modern times, anyway. I absolutely understand what you mean. Whether sick or not, I have those days.

 

[Retek]

Sad, just gave up on a friend because they supposedly gave up on me. It was really hard too, considering I really did like them. Made me question myself if I actually do deserve anyone as a friend or not. Do I deserve anyone at all?

Sometimes it feels like a friend is someone who always looks out for you. Someone who holds you close to them.

But times like this is when I feel a friend is someone who leaves you just when you need them most. That's why the "end" in friend.

And IDK which one is right anymore.

 

[Megan]

Just the usual loneliness. Not too bad at the moment, though.

Sad, just gave up on a friend because they supposedly gave up on me. It was really hard too, considering I really did like them. Made me question myself if I actually do deserve anyone as a friend or not. Do I deserve anyone at all?

Sometimes it feels like a friend is someone who always looks out for you. Someone who holds you close to them.

But times like this is when I feel a friend is someone who leaves you just when you need them most. That's why the "end" in friend.

And IDK which one is right anymore.

True friends reveal themselves in a time of need. If that person gave up on you without even trying to talk things out then they were probably never a friend to begin with. It's still sad, though. Losing a friend always hurts a lot. :(

 

[Retek]

Just the usual loneliness. Not too bad at the moment, though.

True friends reveal themselves in a time of need. If that person gave up on you without even trying to talk things out then they were probably never a friend to begin with. It's still sad, though. Losing a friend always hurts a lot. :(

You're right Megan. That being said, it still hurts a lot. ;-;

I'm still here to talk with if you need me, I for one know it hurts a lot and wouldn't want to see you in pain. :')

 

[Roni]

When I made such an effort to drive ants away from my home the past week, and they still manage to completely invade our eggs. Ugh. Fridge is literally packed to the brim now bcs everything we could've put on the pantry has to go in there else the ants get to it.

 

[RadEmpoleon]

Spent pretty much all last week procrastinating and doing nothing productive, and now those mistakes are coming to bite me in the ass...

 

[Retek]

Spent pretty much all last week procrastinating and doing nothing productive, and now those mistakes are coming to bite me in the ass...

Highly relatable. I'm in a similar situation now. :(

 

[Neb]

I've developed another unhealthy crush in a short period of time. Last time this happened I kept it a secret and managed to lose the feelings before I felt the urge to tell them. This is a good thing since they wouldn't have reciprocated. I'm pretty sure the person I'm currently crushing on doesn't either. The problem is I don't know if I can keep it a secret again. I've lost friendships and acquaintanceships over this sort of thing, so I'm trying to be very careful.

 

[Fairy]

I've developed another unhealthy crush in a short period of time. Last time this happened I kept it a secret and managed to lose the feelings before I felt the urge to tell them. This is a good thing since they wouldn't have reciprocated. I'm pretty sure the person I'm currently crushing on doesn't either. The problem is I don't know if I can keep it a secret again. I've lost friendships and acquaintanceships over this sort of thing, so I'm trying to be very careful.

Relatable. I go through the same phases of crushing on people, arguing with myself over whether to be honest about it or not, etc. The only issue is that I'm the one in a committed, long term relationship and would not be able to reciprocate. Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut and let the crush subside on its own. Idk if it's just the way my mind works but I get so involved and infatuated with people! I can't help that I wear my heart on my sleeve or that I care a little too much. But I can decide how to act on those feelings and, at the end of the day, I know where my loyalties are.

Nevertheless, best of luck to you - from another bleeding heart.

 

[Eleanor]

Being told that the way you styled your hair makes you fat and get forced to change it. Always nice :))

 

[Orion☆]

Honestly? How fragile international friendships can be in the current world context, and specifically how hard it has become for me as an Argentinian to connect with Americans.

Spoiler:

Over the last two years, I've cut myself off from all the friends I've made on Twitter and Discord. Only recently did I realize that no matter which website I was in, the people I was closest were always from the US. Now I understand why I never quite fit in, even among the groups of "outcasts." No matter how hard I tried to blend in, to them I was little more than a "funny foreigner." We had our good times and points in common, sure, but that just makes their covert dismissal hurt even more than it should.

Whenever I commented on something about my country like, say, living at home while attending college, most of them would react in a way that suggested it made them uncomfortable... nevermind that college forms are extremely rare here, and it's common for students to keep living with family (not just parents!) while studying. Our culture is way less individualistic; it's not necessarily better, but it's an entirely different beast. Same with entertainment stuff; when I brought up the death of a member of Les Luthiers in early 2020, none of my US friends at the time approached me about it; I got more interest from strangers from my country. Then, whenever I showed support for social justice causes (e.g. being against police brutality) by pointing out similarities between the US and Argentina, they would act as if I hadn't said anything at all and go right back to their own conversation. To say nothing of the all the times I got judged for stuff like using emulators to play games that weren't even available in my country due to import restrictions and currency BS, got side-eyed for not trying whatever food or drink was hip in the US because it's just plain not sold here, had my country's achievements questioned, was asked judgmental questions or had my boundaries violated. I admit I have trust issues from the get-go, but how my so-called American (and heavily Americanized) "friends" have treated me over the years definitely did a number on my ability to get closer to people in general.

I assumed this was normal - especially when I was on Tumblr and Twitter, and absolutely not helped by the culture among my classmates at my course of studies. I was always expected to look to the US first, and to adopt my US friends' every point of view - and, I like the young, lonely, terminally online dumba** I was, fell for it hook, line and sinker. That is, until the pandemic hit, and I was forced to cut down on Internet time to preserve my mental health. Suddenly I had time to ponder upon the big issues on my own, no longer under the watchful eye of my entire Twitter feed, and realized that no, the way I was being treated wasn't f***ing normal. I had been at it for 12 years, and only then could I pinpoint that something was wrong. Sadly, even then I had a long way to go. Hell, after leaving Twitter, I joined a SW Discord server with people from a variety of backgrounds and it was probably the place I felt safest in, yet when it went down the drain, I somehow ended up running away from it with yet another narrow-minded American no different from the friends I got away from.

You know what the worst thing is? I threw myself into learning and perfecting my English in hopes that I would connect with people from other countries - and all I did was stick to the worst of one country. I wanted to teach English so that my students could experience the joy of having international friends, and now I realize I have to teach them English to defend themselves from being taken advantage of like I was. I do sometimes wonder if I'm the xenophobe, and let's face it, despite not hating all Americans, I probably still am, because I wouldn't set foot on the US even if my life depended on it. However, I also understand that it's not entirely their fault they were born in such a close-minded culture like the US's, and for that I feel sorry for at least some of my former friends. Not all of them, but at least enough of them to understand that my problem is consistently throwing my lot in with the ones who don't give a damn about me - or worse, pretend they care when they actually don't.

On the bright side, I'm happy that most of the people who frequent these forums come from a variety of geographical backgrounds, and that the people from the US I've come across here are chill as well. However, I decided I'm gonna take it a lot slower with trusting anyone online, which is why I haven't tried messaging anyone here yet. I need room to breathe and to let this feeling of done-ness with being the "funny foreigner" subside. I'm sure it will eventually pass, but I'm not certain when it will. As I said, I was trapped in this cycle for around 12 or 13 years - nearly half my life, holy s***. It will take a long time to heal and to sort out my trust issues, but I do hope it's sooner than later so I can have a healthy group of international friends.

 

[Ivysaur]

Okay I know there's this "please write in English so we all know what's going on" rule but please mods or whoever work with me and give me a chance to reply to this in Spanish, I could very well do it in English as you know but there are some particular circumstances here and google translate is pretty phenomenal these days anyway.

Honestly? How fragile international friendships can be in the current world context, and specifically how hard it has become for me as an Argentinian to connect with Americans.

Spoiler:

Mira. Lo primero que voy a destacar es que Pokécommunity es un sitio fantástico porque está lleno de gente de muchísimas partes. Nada más entrar aquí me hice amigo de varios australianos, varios canadienses, varios ingleses, un chipriota y un sueco. Y sí, había estadounidenses, pero por suerte hay de todo, y hay muchas miradas distintas. Que, menos mal.

Partiendo de aquí, te entiendo. La primera vez que tuve un ordenador propio tenía 16 años. Hablabla inglés bastante bien ya, por suerte, pero la primera vez que me encontré en un foro internacional como este en el que había gente de todas partes y era prácticamente el único que hablaba castellano me sentí bastante raro. Me acuerdo aún cuando mi querida amiga Angie (Colours) me preguntó si el rey de España era el que mandaba, y cómo es que teníamos un presidente además de un rey. Pero, francamente, el hecho de que aquí haya un poco de todo evita en gran medida la americanización de todo el contexto. Por supuesto que va a haber más yanquis que otra cosa y que se va a hablar de lo que pase en EEUU, porque al fin y al cabo importa, pero vaya, el hecho de que la dueña y su marido vivan en Australia ya indica que este foro no está tan obsesionado con lo que pase en Washington.

Por otro lado, entiendo el punto del que hablas por tres motivos. Uno, tengo una maravillosa amiga que hice cuando estuve trabajando en Buenos Aires, Aldana Vales, cuyo sueño era trabajar en EEUU. Lleva años haciéndolo, y su comentario hace unos días fue "No estoy lista para volver a pasar por lo mismo otra vez". Joder, de hecho recuerdo que estaba en EEUU visitando a Jo (Fairy) hace cuatro años y mirando en el móvil cómo iba la votación del aborto en el Senado argentino. Es fascinante lo lento que son para algunas cosas, y lo retrógrado que puede ser el país. Y, sin embargo, mucha gente allí no conoce lo que había fuera. No entiende que otros países ya han pasado por lo mismo, o incluso lo han superado, y que EEUU no está a la vanguardia de todo, ni mucho menos. Cuando Jo vino aquí hace unos días, me contó que su familia no paraba de decirle que tuviera cuidado y le describía las cosas como si España fuese un país del tercer mundo. Sinceramente, me dejó alucinado.

Segundo, he sido la persona que intentaba hablar de las cosas que pasan en su país ante la indiferencia general. Hace 11 años abrí un tema aquí, desesperado ante la victoria aplastante de la derecha. Solo una persona respondió. Al final, acabé en un grupo de discord con la gente a la que sí le importaban esas cosas (Netto, Jordan, Pokestick, Bela) y asumí que hay foros españoles a los que puedo entrar a comentar lo mío (que al final tuve que abandonar porque se han llenado de nazis, en fin, viva el siglo XXI). Al final, a cada uno le importa lo suyo, y salvo que encuentres a frikis de la política (*levanta la mano*), tampoco vas a recibir mucho interés de gente que vive en una cultura y un entorno mediático muy diferente.

Y tercero, yo cuando empecé periodismo quería ser corresponsal en Londres o en Washington. Al final me mandaron a Buenos Aires. Y, sinceramente, tras ver cómo funciona la vida en EEUU, y tras ver lo que al final ha ocurrido en Reino Unido, ambos países carísimos, sacudidos por la xenofobia de una minoría ruidosa y racista sobrerrepresentada por el sistema electoral, y con una comida horrible, pues casi que lo celebré. Ahora escribo análisis sobre esos dos países desde Madrid, y sinceramente a Argentina volvería para trabajar y vivir, e incluso no me importaría sacarme el pasaporte (podría haberlo hecho si me hubiera quedado un año más, es una espinita que no me sacaré). Pero establecerme en EEUU o Reino Unido, ni loco: conozco demasiado ya a esos dos países para planteármelo. Antes me mudo a Alemania.

No sé si esto tiene ya mucho sentido, llevo desde ayer por la noche dándole vueltas. Pero en resumen. Un abrazo, y si quieres hablar de algo con alguien alguna vez, mándame un mensaje.

 

[Zeostar]

Grief stricken.

Lost a family member late last year to alcoholism. He was placed into a coma for detox, and did not make it.

Hits me like a wave and at times I begin to really miss him. We got our covid vaccinations together during the pandemic. He kindly helped me get through my weird distain of needles.

Hope I can see him on the other side someday. The friendliest and most gentle person I had ever met, even when he was struggling.

 

[Orion☆]

@Ivysaur: ...Holy moly. I saw this last night and all I can do right now is thank you immensely for it. Especially for conveying it in Spanish, with the permission of the mods. I'll gather my thoughts to continue later over DMs since I'm on mobile at the moment, but I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate this insight. Gracias de todo corazón.

@ZeoStar: Just read your post too. I'm really sorry for your loss. Everyone experiences grief at their own pace, so do remember to take it easy on yourself - especially because it happened so recently.